JUST JACKIE THINGS

It’s 2014, I just graduated from Rutgers University, moved into an apartment in Hoboken, and have my fancy “dream job” using my degree (LOL) in human resources at a premier luxury fashion house in NYC -life’s fucking good.  Sun’s shining, birds are chirping, all seems figured out -I have a “5 year plan.”  I set out for a special impromptu fun “city day” with one of my closest friends, Vic, with no set plan.   Stepping off the Path train I’m feeling like hot shit on top of the world.  We somehow make our way to Chelsea Market and have the absolute best time ever and commemorate the special, carefree day by spending entirely way too much money on friendship charm bracelets.  Doesn’t matter, life’s good.  I love Chelsea Market, I love NYC. I’m a fancy cultured girl in the world god damnit! Fast forward to today, November 8, 2021.  My last day of my first weekend selling in “the legendary” Chelsea Market with my own company! I cannot express how much of a goal selling in Chelsea Market was for me.  It took me a long time to even reach out to apply because I thought I wasn’t good enough, I wasn’t “ready,” and I was scared of being rejected. I’m not sure if it’s recent or it’s been happening for a few years now and I’m finally really seeing the light, but I’ve been going through some kind of spiritual awakening.  I know it sounds crazy, and I feel kinda crazy, but it’s the truth.  This is its own long post(s) for another day, but throughout the past like 7 years (pretty quickly after I started working in HR in the real world), I have been slowly and sometimes violently having moments that make me realize that HR is not for me. BUT FUCKKKKKKK you spent all that money, all that time, throwing away your “career,” the big promise of success (whatever that means).  I was fully submerged into all the intense intense feels.  -Happy, sad, angry, traumatized, depressed, manic, proud, just all of it.  I wanted to do my own thing but was too afraid of ruining my “career” -and a dream one at that, to want to “throw it away” and start fresh.  But the universe had other plans and I was laid off or fired (for the second time in a year) -whatever you wanna call it, from my fancy HR position during the early days of COVID. Once I had an involuntary break from HR, I started having real anxiety about going back to it.  Everyone was asking whether I got a new job, had any interviews, sending me job posts, telling me I can come to this big company and totally change the whole “vibe” of HR there.  (Also not sure why that was always the popular topic of conversation.  It’s boring, stressful, and there’s much more to life than how you make money.). It was tempting though, real fucking tempting to go back but my body straight up wouldn’t let me.  I was having physical manifestations of stress.  I knew it was time to work on my day dream since 2017 that I could not shut up about.  (TYSM to Jeff, my family, and friends for incessantly listening to my big ideas- whether they wanted to or not.) I’ve had some support, honestly mostly from a few close friends and customers, but I also faced (and still very much face) a lot of nay-sayers.  But that’s the thing.  It’s all just talk, it’s all just noise.  CLEAR THAT SHIT OUT.  I’M HERE TO TELL YOU THAT YOU ARE CAPABLE AND CAN DO ANYTHING WITH PERSISTENCE.  Also, just because someone loves you does not mean that they automatically know what is right for you or they have all the keys to life’s big secrets.  The big cosmic joke is that no one does, and it’s not all that serious.  We are all just energy doing energy exchanges. Okay back to it! My dream #2, if you will, of YES AND GOODS and selling at Chelsea Market was a whirlwind and I still cannot decide how to feel.  On one hand I did get to meet some amazing people -select vendors and customers who quickly became friends.  Those interactions were everything to me and have kept me going.  I do have to honestly say though, that I also had a lot (majority) of not so great energy exchanges leaving Jeff (my partner in business and love) and I both feeling completely depleted.  This was one of the first times we were not selling in a field and we were out here feeling like small business royalty in NYC! What I was not prepared for, was the feeling of missing the field and the amazing energy of the people.  It’s not about the space, it’s the people.  I met some people this weekend that truly will have, and already have had an impact on the rest of my life.  -And I mean that sincerely.  Other people, however, have been rude.  Straight up.  I poured my heart, soul, and all my energy into this weekend and had some major road bumps (also another post for another day), but it was not the experience I thought it was going to be.  I was laughed at, mocked, and heard lots of comments -wake up people! It’s a very small space, and the artists and creators hear your comments.  -Lucky enough if they whisper! We don’t need your noise and opinions about our merchandise (especially after all the time and moneyyy put into it).  Just kindly keep walking, please.  The energy was off, big time.  I am currently writing this sitting outside the market not wanting to go back in.  As I’m writing this though, it’s reeling me back in.  I decided (just right now) that I will have a good day, and I will put my best self out there, no matter what one’s interpretation of me is.  That’s on them.  Full circle, I’m selling with my own dream company and in a dream location and now my dream is different.  LMAOOO It’s all a big joke.  Life’s a cycle, things change, and we’re not exempt.  Funny to try though! Surrender to the flow, you gotta. If you’re still reading this, thank you for allowing me space into your brain.  Whatever this rant is is not meant to be discouraging, and I hope it’s not taken that way.  It’s meant to be real and it’s really just to vent, so thank you for that.  Since I’ve recently opened up my heart I’ve had the most amazing and real interactions with some of the most top tier of souls.  Listen to those souls you find.  -Especially if they have knowledge and wisdom and are willing to share it.  I’m listening and I’m trying to pass on what I can in an effort to help others who may feel similar to keep going.  You can make your own path.  Do your own thing -whatever that means to you.  Much love to the real ones.  I am forever grateful, Jackie   Ps - If any of this hits deep, you’re not alone and feel free to reach out. Xo